i have taken a slight break from wallowing in my self pity, just kidding. i haven’t really had the time to sit, write, and collect my thoughts onto this white screen. i have been trying to what kids these days call it, ‘adult’. it has been quite interesting considering i have $.14 in my savings account and i live comfortably at home with my parents and family dog. i know that i should not be discouraged about my current living situation because i am not the only one. this society is way too out of control with it’s money thing. anyway that’s beside the point of this post. i have officially signed up for classes at my new university and i have finished my first week at my new job. all is well except that i’m exhausted, so i guess i will sleep when i’m dead. also i have been watching an awful lot of Monk on the Hallmark Channel. i love that show so much and i’m so mad i have never seen/heard of it before in my entire life. i would have hoped to have seen it before now. i would have thoroughly enjoyed that during my unwelcoming despair while searching for something during the daytime to watch. because honestly, daytime tv is the worst, i don’t care what anyone tries to tell me.
anyways s/o to the lil white screen for welcoming me back to it’s safe haven.
i have this reoccurring dream and my mood for the week is always pure happiness when i wake one day and i had seen it again. it’s something i would do in a heartbeat and continue to do for the rest of my life whenever i felt down or stressed out.
it starts with me waking up from the dream within my dream, i awake to light rain and soft rumbles of thunder outside of my window. i am clad in a thin lacy white nightgown- which is something i’d would never wear unless i lost weight, but you see in this dream, i wasn’t any other size than what i am now. i saw myself in this dream from how others were to see, but what i find amazing is that i have this image of myself other than a mirror reflection of a beautiful woman in white. however my hair is long, definitely not the short hair mistake i did in May and now continue to regret everyday since then. lol.
i crawl out of my bed in the dream and i am home alone, my home looks more of how i would decorate it; simple and rustic. i walked down the stairs and followed the cold floor to the sliding glass door on the far left side of the house. the door was open with only the screen door in between me and the outside peace of the world. i pulled the door open to stick my foot out and feel the slight drizzle on my naked leg. i followed the rain down the stairs and to the grass. the only thing that was different in our backyard and surrounding area of the house was that there was so many trees hugging the sky around me. i was a little ant compared to the beauties towering over me. there were neighbors still near us like in reality, but i could hardly see their houses from the amount of greenery that was surrounding our humble abode.
i kept following the little pathway of grass into the grater part of the backyard which was consumed by bushes, flowers, and grass that came to my mid calve. the grass was cool and damp from the glorious rain. it was comforting and put me at complete peace. on either side of the little grass walkway was wildflowers of all colors. they glowed of vibrancy and flourished extravagantly. i was in complete awe as i followed the grass trail to the center of my backyard. i laid myself down with the glass just covering my body enough to shelter me out from being seen. the rain continued to dance from the clouds to the damp grass and enlighten the earth as a whole.
i closed my eyes in this paradise of mine and prayed for it to never end. as long as i enjoyed my surroundings, i was guaranteed for my personal forest to continue to thrive. the way it did just then.
so my mom has notified me today that she has sent you a message last week or so to see if you were still interested in the trip. i didnt know she had done that, but she brought it up because she hasn’t heard back from you and clearly i haven’t either. so, im gonna just assume you’re not interested anymore and save you some money and give you the option to back out- but please read the rest of what i have to say before you make your final decision.
so far this year im sure we’ve had a handful of conversations and i can’t take it any longer. i seriously have to ask you a million questions before i can get something out of you. i have no problem telling you stuff about my life, not that it’s entirely interesting, but i have considered you a friend and that’s what a friend does. they tell each other things, voluntarily, without having to worried if the other is really interested anymore.
just so you know this is how i see this.
spring 2015 you rarely spoke to me because you had Damian.
spring 2016 we didn’t talk because you decided that steven was a great person rather than our friendship.
spring 2017 you’ve got rick to hear all about your life and spend all your time with and you seem to not really tell me about it or really care to hang out with me.
I don’t care if you’ve found another person to relate too and be romantically involved but for love of Christ keep me posted. I want to know the good and bad, all I ever hear is the bad and how you don’t know how longer you can take it. At that point I’m like bitch gtfo and find someone else.
i am a human being with actual emotions. i am so tired of being hurt every year because I don’t have a steady friend because you’ve got a guy in your life. don’t even try to text me back with some stuff that im making this up and that our lives are crazy, because i know i’m at least 99% right and our lives are not entirely crazy. before these guys were in your life we saw each other quite frequently. so many excuses are not valid.
im not going to argue with you about what’s in my head because it’s been consistent. i mean you make me feel like crap, I honestly had to drag you out of your house because we haven’t seen each other in months and you didn’t feel like going out. i was only really pushing it because I missed you and I thought hey maybe she missed me too. i guess not.
if all this time you thought I was fine and happy you were wrong to assume and wrong to not even ask. don’t you dare tell me it’s a two way street, I’ve ALWAYS gone out of my way to ask you and support you and comfort you and pep you up and do everything in my power to make sure I was making you happy. dare I say it you did bare minimum.
another thing, it really shouldnt be a problem, but I figured I might as well lay it all out. essentially, I never made money the issue for when it came to your xmas gift and bday gift. I didn’t lie to you and say your gift is in the mail when I couldn’t afford or forgot a present for you. not that this is what it’s about I’m just trying to openly write out everything that has rubbed me the wrong way.
now, this can be really ugly and you A. send me a passive response, or B. you don’t even reply at all and we cut loose right here, right now. or maybe C. it’ll be a mixed feelings kind of thing where you feel guilty of some stuff and maybe also point out my flaws in our friendship. or possibly D. you accept my entire thought process in this novel I’ve written and you respond to it entirely via call or text and maybe we figure it out and admit our faults entirely and actively engage in each other’s lives while balancing other relationships that we may encounter throughout our lifetime like adults.
at this point I’m just tired of trying to decipher what’s going on with you anymore. I don’t want to ask, I want to feel valid enough in your life where you come to me and still see me as a somewhat viable friend.
*actual message i’m about to send, names have been changed to respect my identity and others*
Please excuse my serious grammatical errors
thank you white screen
my political views are completely and utterly a blended version of whatever i want. my father is for whomever agrees that people who come to the U.S. legally with papers. like those born in the U.S. are legally documented citizens of the U.S. those who come to live here come with their proper identification. it’s just how it’s always been. i understand the legal process here is hard and long, but it is possible. my mother and her family are from Zagreb, Croatia. they came to the United States in 1967 to escape communism in their country. now, back then was even harder because you had to know someone to vouch for you in the U.S., you had to be knowledgeable of the U.S. and learn english. since my mother and her sister were younger it was easier for them to learn english quite quickly, as for my grandfather and grandmother it was more difficult.
i call my grandfather dedac [ded-uhtz] and my grandmother nana [nah-nah]. they were born and raised in Croatia, and met in college. my nana said she was extremely attracted to my dedac, i do have to say he was quite handsome. back in Zagreb (capital of Croatia) my nana was an extremely well-educated woman. she was a microbiologist. my dedac, however was a spoiled child and didn’t quite ‘get it’. by ‘it’ i mean responsibility n such. but he still was a respected man with an education. they were not uneducated people is what i’m trying to establish here.
coming to the U.S. from a foreign country is an entirely another way of life. my grandparents started their entire careers over, and by career i mean working obnoxiously hard for little pay in some god-awful factory. they lived in good ole Chicago, Illinois. at first my grandparents worked in a factory but then my nana worked in a hospital kitchen and my dedac as a janitor. not the greatest of jobs, but it was a job that put food on the table and they were able to establish themselves.
my nana, still knowledgeable of microbiology, slaved away in a hospital kitchen with other women. one woman spoke Italian, and my nana knew Italian as well. (she also knows French, German, and some Russian. like i said, not uneducated!) well this Italian woman knew english too, and also knew that the hospital was in need of a microbiologist. my nana and this woman communicated and eventually this lady took my nana by the hand and rushed her to whomever was in charge. my nana ended up becoming the new microbiologist at that hospital along with a few other hospitals that she has come to work at over the past 30 years. unfortunately she is cooped up in her house, 88 years old with dementia and my arrogant, selfish, martyr of an aunt is to be in charge of her. that’s a whole another white screen vent.
so, it ended up being my nana to be the main bread winner in my mother’s family. it took them a while to get to the U.S. and get all situated and i understand that this story is nothing compared to others whom are still waiting to get their papers after years of playing the waiting game. but, that’s our corrupt system for ya.
growing up i never had many friends, i was ‘too this’ or ‘too that’ for others. guess i still am. adults that knew me said i was extremely kind and selfless, but none of my ‘friends’ acknowledged that. i always went out of my way to make people feel comfortable and appreciated in my presence. it’s extremely rare to get the same TLC in return. not that i expect it, but giving and giving gets so tiring, i’m becoming alone and bitter. no one seems to come back when i happen to be in need. no one tries when i need someone to give it one last go. no one appreciates me when i’ve done all that i can for them. maybe i don’t necessarily deserve it like many others may do, but i feel my time has come. i care too much about others that it consumes my everything. i want them to be blissfully happy. my mom always told me that most of my friends didn’t deserve me. i always felt the complete opposite. as if i was missing something to keep up with them, or i treated them poorly, or maybe just maybe, i couldn’t give them what they wanted. but what i am learning as i continue to grow is that many are selfish. many will take what better suits their wants than to choose what is actually good for them— their needs. am i sounding philosophical yet? the few people that i associate myself with are not building me the way I deserve to be. i’ve been to myself lately in hopes i learn more about the twisted society that surrounds me.
i’ve been at my current place of work for just over a year. i started off really liking my job, and i guess i was hecka good at it because my boss asked me to step up and kind of be a lil part-time assistant manager. i was really excited, and proud of myself that i’ve blossomed so fast and nicely at my new job. i of course took the ‘promotion’. well, this was back in december of 2016, to which now i am doing managerial duties without the managerial pay… i am being told by my immediate boss and the guy above her that i have to finish ‘the training book’ before i can get ‘more money’… well, i work in a coffee bar kiosk thing in a big grocery store. we usually have 1 or 2 people working, 3 on our busy days. we make just enough money to keep the place running. both bosses have neglected to give me time to learn this book. i work a lot by myself and business is steady to which i haven’t the time to learn this book. i was supposed to be ‘certified’ by the company’s district manager march 3rd, and it never happened because my immediate manager emailed her saying i wasn’t ready. then that lady left and we had more time with our new district manager and he gave us until may 12th. well may 12th i was to graduate and i was under stress of finals and such to even come to work to not have enough time to learn this book. so, my immediate boss told this guy to come june 12, aka, my 21st. she didn’t even talk to me about it or even check the request off book to see if i was even able to work that day. so, after she informed me of her plan i let her know that it was my birthday. so SHE DOESN’T EVEN EMAIL THIS GUY BACK TO LET HIM KNOW I WASNT GOING TO BE THERE TO RESCHEDULE! he found out the day of that i wasn’t at work. at this point, this guy probably thinks i dont exist. i’ve never met him before or spoke to him. so, we hire a new girl, and i haven’t a clue how this came up, but she ends up telling me her starting pay. which is my current pay…. yes i know, a whole lotta bullshit if you ask me. so, I am about to confront the boss above my immediate boss, but my boss already warned him i was about to say something. so this guy confronts me with customers around asking me when i’m to be certified, so that i can finally get that pay raise. i was stunned when he asked me like that. THEN HE NOTIFIES ME THAT I’LL ONLY BE GETTING $.50! FIFTY CENTS?!? ha, so at this point i’m like what the fuck they think i’m a mother fucking joke! well, the district manager is coming july 1st, and i’m going into work tomorrow to let them know that i am no longer interested in this position. the sucky part is that i am sort of close to my immediate boss, she’s like my work mom, and i feel like i’m screwing her over in a way. but for once in my life i need to stick up for myself. i can’t hurry to rush with this damn book to be ready. they offered me extra hours to come into work to sit and read it, but i’m thinking that they should of offered me that months ago! so, i’m just going to bite the bullet in the a.m.
goodnight white screen.
my heart quivers every time i get an update on the horrors of the world. i know that so much goes on that isn’t broadcasted, and when i think that way i just generally am upset for a while. it’s gotten to the point that sometimes i feel myself not being as heartbroken as the last time a tragedy hits the conscious world. like all this noise is desensitizing me. i’m feeling unable to correctly react to unfortunate events because it’s all i hear, all the time. i don’t want to be like this. the world shouldn’t be like this.
i’m trying not to take advantage of this white screen and maybe share once a week or so, but i’m too excited to keep this in…
my most admirable kind of kiss isn’t what most believe a kiss to be. this kiss is uniquely intimate, for it completely intoxicates my being. this kiss only happens after the sky washes the land. after the grounds have consumed all hydration and thrive even more. this kiss took place when the colors of our planet were the boldest. mud was pure and innocent. this kiss involved my body exposed on the moist ground. blades of grass caressing me like a mother caressing her newborn child. this kiss was from the earth. from the newly fresh air my skin was chilled. this kiss was a high in itself. a kiss that could never be replaced by anyone else. my most admirable kiss.
hey to all who’ve found this. my words might not be found for a while, for I’ve just wanted something official, not necessarily explicit. so, for now i’ll construct poorly formed sentences from my heart and soul to a white screen within my apple product.
i actually am not entirely positive of how this all works, all i know is that im filled with emotions that may be uncalled for, and i am feeling desperate for somewhere to hide them. ironic, to hide them on the world wide web, for the world wide web to see. hide your treasures in plain sight i guess.
i sometimes write poetry or bring feelings up from my life and pour them out with every possible reason of why they might be here or what’s to come of them. if i don’t know- i’ll guess, and if i do, i’ll let the white screen know with assurance. basically i’m going to write about whatever fills me to the brim. have it be positivity because we all need it. unhappiness i encounter because for some reason we like to hear the hopelessness of others to fill the void of our own unhappiness. i’m thinking mainly due to the fact that we have to make sure someone else has a shittier life than we do. sometimes i’ll swear, but i will try my bestest not to. my mom looks down upon it. oh, i’ll also write about my family. the ones who’ve donated their time and money to help raise me. (maybe because they love me????) i’ll try to write about my relationships, not that i’ve had any acadamy awards winners, but i’ll tell you anyways. i’ll write about many more things that i’ve encountered and maybe some wandering mind will have fallen upon my word vomit and maybe, just maybe, let me know how it looks on the other side of the white screen.
i conclude my thoughts for now, enjoy the rest of your day. if you can’t, you’re lazy, and if you are it better be constructive enjoyment.