emotional, repeated, interactions with other humans— friendships?

growing up i never had many friends, i was ‘too this’ or ‘too that’ for others. guess i still am. adults that knew me said i was extremely kind and selfless, but none of my ‘friends’ acknowledged that. i always went out of my way to make people feel comfortable and appreciated in my presence. it’s extremely rare to get the same TLC in return. not that i expect it, but giving and giving gets so tiring, i’m becoming alone and bitter. no one seems to come back when i happen to be in need. no one tries when i need someone to give it one last go. no one appreciates me when i’ve done all that i can for them. maybe i don’t necessarily deserve it like many others may do, but i feel my time has come. i care too much about others that it consumes my everything. i want them to be blissfully happy. my mom always told me that most of my friends didn’t deserve me. i always felt the complete opposite. as if i was missing something to keep up with them, or i treated them poorly, or maybe just maybe, i couldn’t give them what they wanted. but what i am learning as i continue to grow is that many are selfish. many will take what better suits their wants than to choose what is actually good for them— their needs. am i sounding philosophical yet? the few people that i associate myself with are not building me the way I deserve to be. i’ve been to myself lately in hopes i learn more about the twisted society that surrounds me. 

q.e.

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