I Loved Once

High school gave me the opportunity to love.  I met a boy and he made me feel lovely. This boy never knew the way he made me feel, but that’s because I never spoke of it. I had hoped he just knew.  You see, this boy, was quiet, emotional, and kind. I’m no Charlie’s Angel, but he saw my heart-only because I foolishly let him.  I want to believe that he loved me too, but society says not even close.  I was probably a charity case if anything. This boy made me feel emotions I had never felt before, and when it got to that point of feeling things that I couldn’t explain I had hoped for it to be love. A stupid thing I had hoped for, really.  This boy told me things he didn’t tell his buddies, and confided in me instead. He shared hopes and dreams with me and asked of mine. He made me smile like a fool. He made me feel everything that Gatsby made Daisy feel. He made me out to be a fool. What hurts me so much is that no one ever knew how much of a fool I was. No one would of suspected our hearts to beat near one another.  That never bothered me because I was ashamed to be vulnerable, and what if all of this was in my head?  I was not one to draw much attention and if I had some over-thought of love story brewing in my mind, people would of thought me out to be a psycho.  So we were quiet. I didn’t really have a friend to speak about my emotions, so there he was. He did the same to me too.  This went on for four years of my life. Four years of heart to hearts. Four years of laughter and tears. I shared my darkest thoughts with because he wanted me to feel safe. A fool was I because then one day, it all stopped.  No response. I had let it be hoping he’d know the ball was in his court. Now, you see, we weren’t in high school anymore.  There was no reason to respond to me because I wouldn’t question it at my locker the next day when he would be there to walk me to my class.  Not once did I force emotion onto him to feel obligated to respect me at all. He chose to. He chose to open up. He chose to laugh with me. He chose everything that ever happened. I was a fool. Nowhere was it written in blood that he had to care for me the way he made it seem. I had let time pass hoping it would heal. I had thought about him about weekly. Wondering what he was up to and if he was happy. That’s all I wanted to know if he was happy and succeeding. Because I was a fool.  I was ashamed to speak of him to my friends because they probably thought I was crazy and too into it, but I only thought this because they never knew love like I did. I was the foolish one. Years go by and I still think of him. Frequently. I have recurring emotions that I had felt with him and it only brings me back. Because I am a fool. I loved once. Do I still Love now? Have I ever understood what love really is? Was I ever granted the opportunity to love? Or was a cheated and lied to just to keep me at bay? I tried to contact him a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to, but my friends said it would be good for me. I wasn’t emotional I just said hello and hoped he was doing well. He read my message and didn’t respond. I wish I never looked back to mend something I seemed to have broken myself. This all seems like something I invisioned on my own and have no proof of showing others.  I’m trying to find peace with that because I don’t want others to know I’m a fool and that I loved once.

oh white screen, oh have I been longing to share this with you.



rando words & “…”

wowza white screen, tis been a long minute since I have confide in your bittersweet emptiness…

For once I haven’t much to say other than *yawn* that I am tired.  I have been adulting hard.  Working and going to school is exhausting for me and I have not even grasped the concept that as long as I have this job, I am to pick my school schedule around those hours until I graduate- or croak!  Whichever comes first will be the leading lady.  Hope all is well in the unknown world.  I have neglected my words to freely flow lately.  I have been severely depriving myself of all fun.  So not like me…  Since when have I used semi-proper grammar? SINCE WHEN HAVE I USED “…”?!?!?!?!?  Every time someone texts/emails me with “…” I cringe.  It is my biggest pet peeve and it can be so misleading. For example:

“Hey y/n, did you get a chance to do that thing I suggested you try to do…”

In my head I’m like um the fuck I didn’t, but I didn’t know I have to answer back to you about it Queen Elizabeth!  As if they are so high and mighty I am to do all things they recommend.

Or like:

“Just thought I’d let you know that so’n’so talked to me last night…”


Anyways that was all rando.

I’m sitting in my basement in some old computer chair that smells like stale air while my laptop sits upon the reciprocating washer that contains my work uniform for tomorrow. I’m pretty sure I should be reviewing for my human heredity exam that I have on Friday because I did take out a loan for my education.  It would only make sense, right?  Eh, writing my shenanigans out is much more exciting.  I know what to say and how to write it.

Like that one desk in spongebob “skool is for chumps”

peace out white screen


soft paradise

the mist of rain so peaceful in the ray of light.

shining from the lamp pole on the street at night.

the mist gives the world a smoother sight.

softens the sharp edges all just right.

a glass lens could not capture the beauty quite nice.

blind man wishes to roll those bitter dice.

to better his chances to witness this paradise.

“once more” he says, “i’ll pay whatever price.”

cold grass-filled plains, still have some warmth.

cleansing the blind man’s soul, so on and so forth.

he kisses the sky in hope of a soothing sort.

tightens his eyes, then opens them as a last resort.

the mist of rain so peaceful in the ray of light.

was the exact picture the blind man saw that night.

he admired the way it gives the world a smoother sight.

softens the paradise just right.


hope you enjoyed this original piece i had written last year. this poem truly touches me.


the persistent war

i have never had many friends growing up. i thought i had a really good friend the past seven years, but i was clearly mistaken.

needless to say i don’t really have friends. i’m also at the awkward age where everyone thinks that they have their lifelong bff and everything is dandy, so me joining in on the friendship is not likely applicable.

i persistently always come back to it being my fault.  i have done everything for people that i have let into my life. i give them everything they could ever want in a friendship, and it’s not like weird where i cater to them, it’s stuff that just comes naturally to me.  i can’t really explain that quite well.  what i guess i’m trying to write out here is that i’m always the bad guy when it comes to any friendship that i’ve ever had. for that, i am incapable of figuring out exactly why it has been like that.  i give everyone i care for the world. i just don’t get it. i’m tired of my emotions going to the walls of my room and my tears blending in with the rain. i want a friend that cares equally as much as i do. i want a friend that can scoop me up to run to target. i want a friend my mom will read on the first encounter and find nothing evil in them. i want a friend to cheer me up when i’m sad rather than saying it’ll be ok. i’m not trying to be a baby about this, but this is what has been truly bothering me these years. i am under appreciated, overlooked, and heartbroken.

i just want a genuine person, with similar interests, to befriend me really fucking soon.  i hate being alone.

thanks for letting me be emotional, white screen.


we were on a break

i have taken a slight break from wallowing in my self pity, just kidding.  i haven’t really had the time to sit, write, and collect my thoughts onto this white screen. i have been trying to what kids these days call it, ‘adult’. it has been quite interesting considering i have $.14 in my savings account and i live comfortably at home with my parents and family dog.  i know that i should not be discouraged about my current living situation because i am not the only one. this society is way too out of control with it’s money thing. anyway that’s beside the point of this post.  i have officially signed up for classes at my new university and i have finished my first week at my new job. all is well except that i’m exhausted, so i guess i will sleep when i’m dead.  also i have been watching an awful lot of Monk on the Hallmark Channel.  i love that show so much and i’m so mad i have never seen/heard of it before in my entire life.  i would have hoped to have seen it before now.  i would have thoroughly enjoyed that during my unwelcoming despair while searching for something during the daytime to watch.  because honestly, daytime tv is the worst, i don’t care what anyone tries to tell me.

anyways s/o to the lil white screen for welcoming me back to it’s safe haven.


my personal forest 

i have this reoccurring dream and my mood for the week is always pure happiness when i wake one day and i had seen it again.  it’s something i would do in a heartbeat and continue to do for the rest of my life whenever i felt down or stressed out.

it starts with me waking up from the dream within my dream, i awake to light rain and soft rumbles of thunder outside of my window.  i am clad in a thin lacy white nightgown- which is something i’d would never wear unless i lost weight, but you see in this dream, i wasn’t any other size than what i am now.  i saw myself in this dream from how others were to see, but what i find amazing is that i have this image of myself other than a mirror reflection of a beautiful woman in white.  however my hair is long, definitely not the short hair mistake i did in May and now continue to regret everyday since then. lol.

i crawl out of my bed in the dream and i am home alone, my home looks more of how i would decorate it; simple and rustic. i walked down the stairs and followed the cold floor to the sliding glass door on the far left side of the house.  the door was open with only the screen door in between me and the outside peace of the world. i pulled the door open to stick my foot out and feel the slight drizzle on my naked leg. i followed the rain down the stairs and to the grass.  the only thing that was different in our backyard and surrounding area of the house was that there was so many trees hugging the sky around me.  i was a little ant compared to the beauties towering over me.  there were neighbors still near us like in reality, but i could hardly see their houses from the amount of greenery that was surrounding our humble abode.

i kept following the little pathway of grass into the grater part of the backyard which was consumed by bushes, flowers, and grass that came to my mid calve.  the grass was cool and damp from the glorious rain.  it was comforting and put me at complete peace.  on either side of the little grass walkway was wildflowers of all colors. they glowed of vibrancy and flourished extravagantly.  i was in complete awe as i followed the grass trail to the center of my backyard.  i laid myself down with the glass just covering my body enough to shelter me out from being seen.  the rain continued to dance from the clouds to the damp grass and enlighten the earth as a whole.

i closed my eyes in this paradise of mine and prayed for it to never end. as long as  i enjoyed my surroundings, i was guaranteed for my personal forest to continue to thrive. the way it did just then.

dear so called friend

so my mom has notified me today that she has sent you a message last week or so to see if you were still interested in the trip. i didnt know she had done that, but she brought it up because she hasn’t heard back from you and clearly i haven’t either. so, im gonna just assume you’re not interested anymore and save you some money and give you the option to back out- but please read the rest of what i have to say before you make your final decision.
so far this year im sure we’ve had a handful of conversations and i can’t take it any longer. i seriously have to ask you a million questions before i can get something out of you. i have no problem telling you stuff about my life, not that it’s entirely interesting, but i have considered you a friend and that’s what a friend does. they tell each other things, voluntarily, without having to worried if the other is really interested anymore. 
just so you know this is how i see this. 

spring 2015 you rarely spoke to me because you had Damian.

spring 2016 we didn’t talk because you decided that steven was a great person rather than our friendship.

spring 2017 you’ve got rick to hear all about your life and spend all your time with and you seem to not really tell me about it or really care to hang out with me.
I don’t care if you’ve found another person to relate too and be romantically involved but for love of Christ keep me posted. I want to know the good and bad, all I ever hear is the bad and how you don’t know how longer you can take it. At that point I’m like bitch gtfo and find someone else. 
i am a human being with actual emotions. i am so tired of being hurt every year because I don’t have a steady friend because you’ve got a guy in your life. don’t even try to text me back with some stuff that im making this up and that our lives are crazy, because i know i’m at least 99% right and our lives are not entirely crazy. before these guys were in your life we saw each other quite frequently. so many excuses are not valid. 
im not going to argue with you about what’s in my head because it’s been consistent. i mean you make me feel like crap, I honestly had to drag you out of your house because we haven’t seen each other in months and you didn’t feel like going out. i was only really pushing it because I missed you and I thought hey maybe she missed me too. i guess not. 
if all this time you thought I was fine and happy you were wrong to assume and wrong to not even ask. don’t you dare tell me it’s a two way street, I’ve ALWAYS gone out of my way to ask you and support you and comfort you and pep you up and do everything in my power to make sure I was making you happy. dare I say it you did bare minimum.
another thing, it really shouldnt be a problem, but I figured I might as well lay it all out. essentially, I never made money the issue for when it came to your xmas gift and bday gift. I didn’t lie to you and say your gift is in the mail when I couldn’t afford or forgot a present for you. not that this is what it’s about I’m just trying to openly write out everything that has rubbed me the wrong way. 
now, this can be really ugly and you A. send me a passive response, or B. you don’t even reply at all and we cut loose right here, right now. or maybe C. it’ll be a mixed feelings kind of thing where you feel guilty of some stuff and maybe also point out my flaws in our friendship. or possibly D. you accept my entire thought process in this novel I’ve written and you respond to it entirely via call or text and maybe we figure it out and admit our faults entirely and actively engage in each other’s lives while balancing other relationships that we may encounter throughout our lifetime like adults. 
at this point I’m just tired of trying to decipher what’s going on with you anymore. I don’t want to ask, I want to feel valid enough in your life where you come to me and still see me as a somewhat viable friend. 

*actual message i’m about to send, names have been changed to respect my identity and others*

Please excuse my serious grammatical errors 
thank you white screen


shmolitics & fam history

    my political views are completely and utterly a blended version of whatever i want. my father is for whomever agrees that people who come to the U.S. legally with papers. like those born in the U.S. are legally documented citizens of the U.S. those who come to live here come with their proper identification. it’s just how it’s always been. i understand the legal process here is hard and long, but it is possible. my mother and her family are from Zagreb, Croatia. they came to the United States in 1967 to escape communism in their country. now, back then was even harder because you had to know someone to vouch for you in the U.S., you had to be knowledgeable of the U.S. and learn english. since my mother and her sister were younger it was easier for them to learn english quite quickly, as for my grandfather and grandmother it was more difficult. 

    i call my grandfather dedac [ded-uhtz]  and my grandmother nana [nah-nah]. they were born and raised in Croatia, and met in college. my nana said she was extremely attracted to my dedac, i do have to say he was quite handsome. back in Zagreb (capital of Croatia) my nana was an extremely well-educated woman. she was a microbiologist. my dedac, however was a spoiled child and didn’t quite ‘get it’. by ‘it’ i mean responsibility n such. but he still was a respected man with an education. they were not uneducated people is what i’m trying to establish here. 

    coming to the U.S. from a foreign country is an entirely another way of life. my grandparents started their entire careers over, and by career i mean working obnoxiously hard for little pay in some god-awful factory. they lived in good ole Chicago, Illinois. at first my grandparents worked in a factory but then my nana worked in a hospital kitchen and my dedac as a janitor. not the greatest of jobs, but it was a job that put food on the table and they were able to establish themselves. 

    my nana, still knowledgeable of microbiology, slaved away in a hospital kitchen with other women. one woman spoke Italian, and my nana knew Italian as well. (she also knows French, German, and some Russian. like i said, not uneducated!) well this Italian woman knew english too, and also knew that the hospital was in need of a microbiologist. my nana and this woman communicated and eventually this lady took my nana by the hand and rushed her to whomever was in charge. my nana ended up becoming the new microbiologist at that hospital along with a few other hospitals that she has come to work at over the past 30 years. unfortunately she is cooped up in her house, 88 years old with dementia and my arrogant, selfish, martyr of an aunt is to be in charge of her. that’s a whole another white screen vent. 

    so, it ended up being my nana to be the main bread winner in my mother’s family. it took them a while to get to the U.S. and get all situated  and i understand that this story is nothing compared to others whom are still waiting to get their papers after years of playing the waiting game. but, that’s our corrupt system for ya. 


emotional, repeated, interactions with other humans— friendships?

growing up i never had many friends, i was ‘too this’ or ‘too that’ for others. guess i still am. adults that knew me said i was extremely kind and selfless, but none of my ‘friends’ acknowledged that. i always went out of my way to make people feel comfortable and appreciated in my presence. it’s extremely rare to get the same TLC in return. not that i expect it, but giving and giving gets so tiring, i’m becoming alone and bitter. no one seems to come back when i happen to be in need. no one tries when i need someone to give it one last go. no one appreciates me when i’ve done all that i can for them. maybe i don’t necessarily deserve it like many others may do, but i feel my time has come. i care too much about others that it consumes my everything. i want them to be blissfully happy. my mom always told me that most of my friends didn’t deserve me. i always felt the complete opposite. as if i was missing something to keep up with them, or i treated them poorly, or maybe just maybe, i couldn’t give them what they wanted. but what i am learning as i continue to grow is that many are selfish. many will take what better suits their wants than to choose what is actually good for them— their needs. am i sounding philosophical yet? the few people that i associate myself with are not building me the way I deserve to be. i’ve been to myself lately in hopes i learn more about the twisted society that surrounds me. 



i’ve been at my current place of work for just over a year. i started off really liking my job, and  i guess i was hecka good at it because my boss asked me to step up and kind of be a lil part-time assistant manager. i was really excited, and proud of myself that i’ve blossomed so fast and nicely at my new job. i of course took the ‘promotion’. well, this was back in december of 2016, to which now i am doing managerial duties without the managerial pay… i am being told by my immediate boss and the guy above her that i have to finish ‘the training book’ before i can get ‘more money’… well, i work in a coffee bar kiosk thing in a big grocery store. we usually have 1 or 2 people working, 3 on our busy days. we make just enough money to keep the place running. both bosses have neglected to give me time to learn this book. i work a lot by myself and business is steady to which i haven’t the time to learn this book. i was supposed to be ‘certified’ by the company’s district manager march 3rd, and it never happened because my immediate manager emailed her saying i wasn’t ready. then that lady left and we had more time with our new district manager and he gave us until may 12th. well may 12th i was to graduate and i was under stress of finals and such to even come to work to not have enough time to learn this book. so, my immediate boss told this guy to come june 12, aka, my 21st. she didn’t even talk to me about it or even check the request off book to see if i was even able to work that day. so, after she informed me of her plan i let her know that it was my birthday. so SHE DOESN’T EVEN EMAIL THIS GUY BACK TO LET HIM KNOW I WASNT GOING TO BE THERE TO RESCHEDULE! he found out the day of that i wasn’t at work. at this point, this guy probably thinks i dont exist. i’ve never met him before or spoke to him. so, we hire a new girl, and i haven’t a clue how this came up, but she ends up telling me her starting pay. which is my current pay…. yes i know, a whole lotta bullshit if you ask me. so, I am about to confront the boss above my immediate boss, but my boss already warned him i was about to say something. so this guy confronts me with customers around asking me when i’m to be certified, so that i can finally get that pay raise. i was stunned when he asked me like that. THEN HE NOTIFIES ME THAT I’LL ONLY BE GETTING $.50! FIFTY CENTS?!? ha, so at this point i’m like what the fuck they think i’m a mother fucking joke! well, the district manager is coming july 1st, and i’m going into work tomorrow to let them know that i am no longer interested in this position. the sucky part is that i am sort of close to my immediate boss, she’s like my work mom, and i feel like i’m screwing her over in a way. but for once in my life i need to stick up for myself. i can’t hurry to rush with this damn book to be ready. they offered me extra hours to come into work to sit and read it, but i’m thinking that they should of offered me that months ago! so, i’m just going to bite the bullet in the a.m.

goodnight white screen.